“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring comes and the grass grows by itself”
- Zen Proverb
Sitting quietly in the park, doing nothing, mind wanders to what it should be doing.
“I should be working on that paper due next week.”
“I should have taken those clothes to the cleaners.”
“I should have responded to her email.”
This list of thoughts about what I should be doing continued on and on. I call this compunction the Burden of Should.
The Burden of Should is an infectious meme. It permeates through workaholic societies and can unleash havoc on minds that are predisposed to rumination and anxiety. The Burden of Should is like a nagging mother or overbearing boss: when you least desire, they materialize to remind you of all the things you should be doing. Such incessant and intrusive thoughts of should can rob even the greatest moments of joy and tranquility. Therefore I purpose we do whatever we can to eliminate the Burden of Should from our lives. We need to free ourselves from its constraints and transform the guilt and anxiety it creates into a resolute affirmation and acceptance of our present moment.
To make such a radical break from our inured ways of thinking may require eliminating the word “should” entirely from our vocabulary. Why do I call for such extreme measures? Firstly, the word “should” denotes some action that must be completed because of duty or obligation. In other words, something we have to do but would rather not if given the choice. We often say things like, “I should spend more time studying.” Or, “I should eat healthier.” Such statements express reluctance and unwillingness even if we understand there may be some benefits.
So I ask, why do something if our heart is not truly in it?
Even if there are intellectual justifications for doing something, unless we really care about it, we will never be wholeheartedly engaged in what we are doing. We will be acting entirely on the basis of should with no interest, pride, or love in what we do. I find that a terribly sad way to live. Such half-assed, perfunctory behavior is not only the cause of so much mental strife and dissatisfaction, but also a mockery of the human capacity to live with an engaged and compassionate mind. I believe “should” is only good for breeding discontent. It shifts one’s motivation from intrinsic to extrinsic and diverts attention from the present to all the things we are not currently doing. In my humble opinion, we are better without it.
I’m sure at this point you are saying, “Hold on a second. Aren’t there things that we need to do, that we should do, even if we don’t really want to do them?” My response is both yes and no.
Eliminating should from our lexicon is not a matter of abandoning personal responsibility. I am not advocating that we all become hedonists and do whatever pleases us with complete disregard for later consequences and other’s wellbeing. Nor am I suggesting we stop doing things just because they are inconvenient or unpleasant. Rather I believe we need to change our attitude towards things that we initially labeled under the Burden of Should. Instead of feeling like we should be doing something, we need to want to do that thing for its own sake. We must transform statements like, “I should be studying” to “I want to be studying.” “I should finish that work” to “I want to finish that work.” “I should be more sensitive to my partner’s needs” to “I want to be more sensitive to my partner’s needs.” This subtle shift in how we phrase our statements can create dramatic shifts in our perception and interpretation of events and make life more fulfilling.
If all we have is the present moment, why expend the mental energy living with the Burden of Should. Just think how much happier we could be if we took great pleasure in everything we did. If we never felt like we should be doing anything, but truly wanted to do everything. Then every moment of everyday can be filled with joy and delight. No longer will we need to feel guilty thoughts that we should be doing something else. The truth is that there is nothing else. This is what I’m doing now, and I’m doing it because I really want to be doing it. When I’m sitting in the park, the only thing I should be doing is enjoying sitting in the park. It’s so simple that we often fail to grasp its importance. As yogi Ram Das said, “Be Here Now”.
So this is my recommendation. The next time you catch yourself saying, “I should…” stop and reexamine your statement. Consider the reasons for doing or not doing said action. If you determine that it is truly something that must be done, then shift your attitude from “I should…” to “I want to…” “I’d love to…” “I would take great delight in doing…” If you are mindful and put care into what you doing, you might find that this task is actually more enjoyable than you first imagined. The more you do this, the easier it becomes. Slowly you can stop trying to avoid the unavoidable, and in doing so, you free yourself form the Burden of Should.
