The Burden of Should

“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring comes and the grass grows by itself”

- Zen Proverb

Sitting quietly in the park, doing nothing, mind wanders to what it should be doing.

“I should be working on that paper due next week.”

“I should have taken those clothes to the cleaners.”

“I should have responded to her email.”

This list of thoughts about what I should be doing continued on and on. I call this compunction the Burden of Should.




The Burden of Should is an infectious meme. It permeates through workaholic societies and can unleash havoc on minds that are predisposed to rumination and anxiety. The Burden of Should is like a nagging mother or overbearing boss: when you least desire, they materialize to remind you of all the things you should be doing. Such incessant and intrusive thoughts of should can rob even the greatest moments of joy and tranquility. Therefore I purpose we do whatever we can to eliminate the Burden of Should from our lives. We need to free ourselves from its constraints and transform the guilt and anxiety it creates into a resolute affirmation and acceptance of our present moment.

To make such a radical break from our inured ways of thinking may require eliminating the word “should” entirely from our vocabulary. Why do I call for such extreme measures? Firstly, the word “should” denotes some action that must be completed because of duty or obligation. In other words, something we have to do but would rather not if given the choice. We often say things like, “I should spend more time studying.” Or, “I should eat healthier.” Such statements express reluctance and unwillingness even if we understand there may be some benefits.

So I ask, why do something if our heart is not truly in it?

Even if there are intellectual justifications for doing something, unless we really care about it, we will never be wholeheartedly engaged in what we are doing. We will be acting entirely on the basis of should with no interest, pride, or love in what we do. I find that a terribly sad way to live. Such half-assed, perfunctory behavior is not only the cause of so much mental strife and dissatisfaction, but also a mockery of the human capacity to live with an engaged and compassionate mind. I believe “should” is only good for breeding discontent. It shifts one’s motivation from intrinsic to extrinsic and diverts attention from the present to all the things we are not currently doing. In my humble opinion, we are better without it.

I’m sure at this point you are saying, “Hold on a second. Aren’t there things that we need to do, that we should do, even if we don’t really want to do them?” My response is both yes and no.

Eliminating should from our lexicon is not a matter of abandoning personal responsibility. I am not advocating that we all become hedonists and do whatever pleases us with complete disregard for later consequences and other’s wellbeing. Nor am I suggesting we stop doing things just because they are inconvenient or unpleasant. Rather I believe we need to change our attitude towards things that we initially labeled under the Burden of Should. Instead of feeling like we should be doing something, we need to want to do that thing for its own sake. We must transform statements like, “I should be studying” to “I want to be studying.” “I should finish that work” to “I want to finish that work.” “I should be more sensitive to my partner’s needs” to “I want to be more sensitive to my partner’s needs.” This subtle shift in how we phrase our statements can create dramatic shifts in our perception and interpretation of events and make life more fulfilling.

If all we have is the present moment, why expend the mental energy living with the Burden of Should. Just think how much happier we could be if we took great pleasure in everything we did. If we never felt like we should be doing anything, but truly wanted to do everything. Then every moment of everyday can be filled with joy and delight. No longer will we need to feel guilty thoughts that we should be doing something else. The truth is that there is nothing else. This is what I’m doing now, and I’m doing it because I really want to be doing it. When I’m sitting in the park, the only thing I should be doing is enjoying sitting in the park. It’s so simple that we often fail to grasp its importance. As yogi Ram Das said, “Be Here Now”.

So this is my recommendation. The next time you catch yourself saying, “I should…” stop and reexamine your statement. Consider the reasons for doing or not doing said action. If you determine that it is truly something that must be done, then shift your attitude from “I should…” to “I want to…” “I’d love to…” “I would take great delight in doing…” If you are mindful and put care into what you doing, you might find that this task is actually more enjoyable than you first imagined. The more you do this, the easier it becomes. Slowly you can stop trying to avoid the unavoidable, and in doing so, you free yourself form the Burden of Should.

Thoughtless Minds - Refashioned

    I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately: thinking about life, thinking about happiness, thinking about the future, and indeed thinking about thinking. Out of all this thinking I was hoping to find some answers, some meaning I could take with me and share with others. But the problem is that thoughts have a persnickety tendency to get more complex, more convoluted unless under the tutelage of a supremely focused mind. One thought leads to another which leads to another and another and another; it is a never ending stream of run-on ideas, parenthetical additions, and dialectical digressions (see fantastic picture right). The end result of all my mental meandering was something that resembled graffiti on a bathroom stall more than a carefully constructed concept worthy of telling another person.

While nearly drowning in my own sea of thoughts (that would be quite a way to go),  a thought emerged that stated thinking is not the answer. This was quite a peculiar thought, I thought to myself, sort of like a stop codon in a transcribing RNA. Such a self-sacrificing thought says nothing lies ahead, terminate thinking process here. So I did what any sensible person would do, I obeyed the thought which told me to stop thinking. And there among the sunshine and sands of a pristine Thai beach, I tried my hardest to suspend all thought and just be.

This is not the first time I’ve stopped thinking. In fact I do it quite regularly when I’m meditating or exercising. The truth is that cultures have been cultivating the art of “non-thought” for centuries. Meditation centers around the practice of moving beyond the thinking mind to a state of higher awareness. Similarly, Taoism and the Kabbalah teach that we should strive to flow mindlessly in the currents of life. Despite such traditions, the ethos of Western society places such a tremendous value upon thinking, specifically scientific, analytical thought, that we often overlook the benefits of a thoughtless mind. Although we might take a long stroll to “clear our head”, such acts of thoughtlessness are scarcely scattered between our preferred mode of operating--utilizing the medium of thoughts. Just listen to our language. “Let me think it over and get back to you.” “I’d like to share a few thoughts.” “Oh, how thoughtful of you.” In today's world if you don’t bother to think about it, you may as well forget it all together.

Our cultural penchant for thinking is either the cause or symptom (I’ve yet to decide which) of our industrious work ethic. Americans idealize hard work, and idleness is synonymous with laziness. In fact when I look up idle in the thesaurus, the overwhelming majority of synonyms are negative: redundant, indolent, futile, pointless, worthless, useless, empty, etc. In other words, idle is bad; work is good. If we’re not constantly thinking or keeping busy, we feel guilty. Even when we have some downtime, there’s a nagging notion that we should be somewhere else doing something else. As a result, even our leisure time is a carefully doled out activity that must be scheduled in advanced. We have successfully demonized any state of inactivity; as a result, we’ve forgotten the joys of quiescence and thoughtlessness. In Alexander Green’s blog post In Praise of Idleness he says: “Hebrew sages taught that when you are first welcomed into heaven, a record is revealed to you of all the many times in your past when you could really have been happy and enjoyed some moment but failed to do so. And then you are called to repent of each and every one of those moments.”

In a similar vein, Eric Weiner the author of the wonderfully witty travelogue The Geography of Bliss, describes himself as a thoughtful person prone to fall into the trap of thinking just to avoid idleness. In a chapter he wrote while (coincidentally) in Thailand, he discloses: “I’ve spent most of my life trying to think my way to happiness, and my failure to achieve that goal only proves, in my mind, that I’m not a good enough thinker. It never occurred to me that the source of my unhappiness is not flawed thinking, but thinking itself.”

Sometimes thinking, or more likely over-thinking and over-analyzing are sources of discontent themselves. For that reason, I’d like to make a plea for all the over-thinkers in the world to occasionally let it go. Just live without questioning, scrutinizing, and evaluating every act of living. Be aware of how this state of being makes your feel, but please try not to think about it.

At this point some of you who have read my first post may point out that the initial reason for naming this blog Thoughtless Minds was to mock the thoughtless existence our routinized, mechanized, and computerized society. If anything I was proposing that we need to do more thinking, not less. However I was specifically advocating deep thinking about human nature, consciousness, and how we can evolve to become better people. Such meaningful discourse is much different than the typical superficial thinking that society promotes. Thus I am not reneging my initial words, simply amending them.

I have come to recognize that analytical thought can only take us so far. While thinking is a wonderful place to begin dissecting and illuminating difficult questions, there are times when we are prone to drown in our own analysis and must stop, step back, and let the situation rest. These moments of thoughtlessness are often moments of intense creativity and enlightenment. Thus a truly wise person understands that the balance between a thoughtful and a thoughtless mind is an essential part of achieving what can be called nothing else than peace of mind.

Perhaps the ideal embodiment of this balance between thinking and non-thinking is in the Taoist sage. The sage perceives and understands all opposites as part of the same system; thoughtful and thoughtless should not be opposed to one another but brought into harmony and balance. Thus the Taoist sage acts without action and thinks without thinking. In other words, the sage acts in a manner that is spontaneous and effortless, aligned with the Tao and no longer in need of the deliberate part of mind that busies itself guesstimating and evaluating various courses of action.

So if possible, the next time you find yourself in a state of frustration, confusion, or despair, don’t try to think it through, but do as a Taoist sage would and try being without thought. Ted Kardash writes in his online reader on Taoism, “We must learn to rely on more than just our intellect and logical mind to gather and assess information. We [should] develop and trust our intuition as our direct connection to the Tao. [When] we heed the intelligence of our whole body, not only our brain…we get action that is spontaneous, natural, and effortless.” This is the highest aim of a Thoughtless Mind: acting so naturally that no thought is required.

Go forth and don't think about living without thinking. Embrace contradiction. Love paradox.